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Polyamory in Indianapolis

Community Blog

PEAS Presents: Building Your Self Care Toolbox – A presentation by Misty M.

Having a self care plan is fundamental to our own well-being, as well as contributing to the health of our multiple relationships. It permits us to be more available and generous with the people we love. In this PEAS discussion, we will begin to fill our toolbox with ideas and behaviors in order to care for ourselves as individuals.

Presented at P.E.A.S. – November 8th, 2015 by Misty

Presentation references:

Self Care Overview

Self Care 1

Self Care 2

Self Care 3

Self Care 4

PEAS Presents: Who moved my happy ending? – A Presentation by Lisa

A lot of the concepts we all grew up with, and that are still common in “romantic” literature and cinema are starting to feel…not quite right. Issues like consent, gender identity, and sexual orientation have all changed dramatically in the past few decades. We’ll talk about these topics and how they affect dating in general and your relationships in particular.”

Presented at P.E.A.S. – October 25th, 2015 by Lisa

Notes from the presentation:

What We Grew Up With What’s True Today
Consent
No Means No Fuck Yes or No (http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes)
Men can’t help themselves Men have control over their actions (http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-myth-of-boner-werewolf.html )
“That just means he likes you” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2013/03/that-just-means-he-likes-you.html

http://www.refinery29.com/2015/10/95507/merritt-smith-four-year-old-stitches-facebook-post

Abuse is bullshit at any age.
Communication
Women secretly want to be chased / dominated / controlled / taken care of Women are capable of expressing what they actually want.
The Friendzone is unfair The Friendzone is bullshit. People are not vending machines you put kindness into until sex falls out.
The soft no is unclear People understand a soft no, they ignore it because they believe they know better or persistence will change the answer
Baseball analogy for sex Pizza analogy for sex https://www.ted.com/talks/al_vernacchio_sex_needs_a_new_metaphor_here_s_one?language=en
Creepiness
Only men can be creepy Creepiness is an equal opportunity endeavor
What’s creepy from an unattractive person would be romantic from an attractive person No one is required to justify their lack of attraction.

Attractiveness, attraction, and interest are all independent factors, any one of which can take behavior from welcome to unwelcome

Creepers are just socially awkward and should be given the benefit of the doubt, repeatedly, in case they just don’t understand. Creepers are creepers because they feel entitled to other people’s attention and affection.

There are good resources to help anyone who’s interested learn not to be creepy.

http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/07/how-to-not-be-creepy.html

http://captainawkward.com/2012/08/11/the-c-word/

http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/08/09/an-incomplete-guide-to-not-creeping/

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2011/12/dont-be-a-creeper/all/1/

People reject others for kicks For most people, rejecting someone is painful and awkward
Commitment
Relationships have a destined path (the relationship escalator) Relationships can take different forms (http://solopoly.net/2012/11/29/riding-the-relationship-escalator-or-not/)
Committed relationships lead to jealousy Committed relationships can be characterized by compersion
Relationships are meant to last forever, otherwise they are failures Relationships can be successful with

 

Feminism

Yes all women (http://uproxx.com/webculture/2014/05/the-best-of-yesallwomen-tweets-yes-all-women-twitter/) ( http://www.people.com/article/yes-all-women-hashtag-movement-santa-barbara-shooting)

Books on Women’s Sexuality:

http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

http://www.amazon.com/What-Do-Women-Want-Adventures/dp/0061906093/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1445831585&sr=1-1&keywords=what+do+women+want

What men fear vs. what women fear: https://twitter.com/agratha/status/642213434172379137

http://www.goweirdfacts.com/whats-the-biggest-fear-in-online-dating.html

Men fear

  • Getting laughed at
  • Women in makeup

Women fear

  • Being raped
  • Being murdered

 

What’s Your Poly Flavor? – A presentation by Misty M.

What if there were a Myers-Briggs test for polyamory? This discussion identifies several components, styles, and values that make up every person’s polyamory personality or “flavor”.

Each attendee fills out a custom name tag (image below) while we discuss the different aspects of poly identity.

Presented at P.E.A.S. – August 16th, 2015 by Misty

 

Speed: How quickly do you form connections/relationships in general?

Fluid – More rapid in forming emotional and/or sexual connections.

Growth – Deliberate in forming emotional and/or sexual connections.

Static – Slow moving in forming emotional and/or sexual connections.

 

Structure: How would you describe your ideal poly relationship structure?

Open – People come and go at will, forming “polycules” which consist of individual dyadic relationships

Network – People often connect socially with metamours. Some sort of “get to know you” is usually requested or offered early on in becoming part of the extended group.

Closed – Approval of existing members needed before new member is allowed to join.

 

Attitude: What level of entanglement is desired with partners and/or metamours?

Independent – Prefers to do their own thing with their own partner.

Community – Enjoys being part of socially connected groups some of the time.

Family – Actively prioritizes shared time and/or space with partners and metamours.

 

Intimacy: How is romantic closeness with others achieved? (More than one may apply.)

Sexual – Connects with others via sharing physical intimacy.

Emotional – Connects with others via shared feelings.

Activities and shared experiences – Connects with others via sharing experiences and spending time together.

 

Prioritization: How are relationships prioritized?

Hierarchical – Priority is given to preservation of existing primary relationship(s).

Weighted – Some relationships are prioritized over others, but open to changes, adding an additional primary, etc.

Egalitarian – Committed to not prioritizing some relationships over others.

 

Saturation: What would your ideal concentration look like?

Full-boat – Completely satisfied with current relationship(s). Prefer relationships to dating.

Open – Open to opportunities to connect, neither closed off to forming new relationships, nor actively looking, but being closed to possibilities would feel restrictive.

Actively seeking – Looking for new connections regardless of current partner status. Consistently open to dating and exploration.

 

Nature vs Nurture:

Born Poly – Came out of the womb hardwired for multiple relationships. Being monogamous would feel unnatural.

Choice – Poly makes sense, and is a desired style of relationship for a myriad of reasons. Unlikely to get into a monogamous relationship.

Either – Mono or poly. Happy being open to either poly or mono, depending on circumstances in life, if current partner is open to poly, etc.

 

Flow of Information: How much information would be shared in your ideal situation?

Confidential – No desire to hear about other partners or activities and/or have information about the relationship they are involved in shared with metamours, unless explicitly approved in advance.

Pertinent – Don’t need to have all the details, but want to have personally relevant information shared.

Transparency – Desire the free flow of information about all relationships partners are involved in and are comfortable with partner sharing that with metamours.

 

Formality: To what degree of formality would partners’ agreements be structured?

Detailed – Extensive agreements/contracts covering every eventuality.

General – Conscious agreements about a few major subjects.

Short-term – Temporary agreements only.

 

Voting Rights: What rights do partners have with regards to voting and vetoes?

Veto – Veto power is a basic part of my relationships.

Early Veto – Veto power is part of my relationships, but only in early stages where emotional investment is low.

No Veto – Veto power is not part of my relationships, ever.

 

Openness to the Community: How open or “out” are you?

Partners & Poly Community – Only “out” to current and prospective partners, and to the poly community.

Selective – Share with current and prospective partners, the poly community, and some non-poly people in your life; not explicitly “out” as poly to some people in your life.

Everyone – Open about being poly to everyone (or nearly everyone) you know

 

Kinky: To what extent are relationships defined by kink/BDSM?

Poly First, Kinky Second.

Kinky First, Poly Second.

Not Kinky – only poly.

 

Other:

 

Adapted with permission from: http://polytripod.blogspot.com/2011/10/poly-myers-briggs.html

 

Click the image below to download your name-tag.

What is your Poly Flavor - Nametag

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello world! – A community is born.

First Post!

Welcome, my name is Brandon. I, along with other close friends here in Indianapolis Poly community, felt there was a need in our community for a gathering place to discuss our thoughts, maintain a central calendar for the ever growing list of poly oriented events, and to hopefully serve a source of education for new persons to the community and a source of continuing education for even the most established of us.

This site and server are my gift to the community, a place for others to also give, and a place for us to rally around our common goals and to discuss the trials and wins we have perusing the life style we have chosen for ourselves.

Welcome to a Polyamourus Indianapolis!

-Brandon